If you are visiting for the first time today, welcome! Below is my most recent post and I just haven’t had a chance to update anything yet, but I should have something a bit more cheery up by tomorrow. In the meantime…
I can’t help it, I’m trying to fight back these emotions, but they are rising to the surface without my permission. Tears threaten to start trickling from my eyes and I have no way to prevent their flow from coming. I wish they were happy tears, ones of joy and celebration, but they just aren’t this time. They are full of longing, hurt, and I admit they are of jealousy, too. I don’t want them to be, believe me…but right now I just can’t help myself.
I want to be the one feeling the physical exhaustion of carrying my child, to have gone through those months of inescapable nausea. To be the one whose feet have begun to swell and plumpness to begin showing in my face. Oh the sweet planning of their arrival. The days wondering how we can afford to take care of our bundle of joy. Stressing over whether or not we’ll be good parents or if we’ll mess everything up. Praying over our child each morning, anticipating the day they burst forth into the world. But that joy isn’t mine to taste right now. I am not six months pregnant, I am six months into my mourning.
That grief rises to the surface each time a new friend shares their joy with me, I wish that wasn’t the case. Each time I hear how quickly it came for them it brings out a jealousy that I didn’t know was inside my heart. After their first try, while he was home on leave, or just by accident. Why not me? For over a year we have been trying. What is God waiting for? What is it we need to change? How long will He have us wait?
I know His timing is perfect. I know that everything He does…or doesn’t do…has a good purpose. I know my time will come…however that may look. I do find comfort in knowing these things, in trusting Him. I’m human and God has given me the full array of emotions to use and enjoy, but I’m not enjoying this feeling of longing, this hurt, this loss, this sadness, and I don’t like this pang of jealousy.
I pray that all of my friends who are pregnant…and right now I have five who are where I would like to be…I pray that they and their children will be healthy. That as the time draws near, everything will go smoothly. I pray for peace, joy, and love to follow them every day of their lives. I truly am happy for them, even if I am still asking…why not me.